Strangely Unaffected

Yesterday at my uncle's 50th birthday my dad invited a belly dancer. A few minutes ago my mom called me and said that she wants to bring her boyfriend over to eat lunch, but my brother is uncomfortable with it since his friend is here. Is it any wonder that my emotions are running all over the place?

Not a very angsty post compared to the previous ones, but I figured I might as well make this my new blog. I used to have a blog on LiveJournal that I haven't updated since February 2005, and I had a DeadJournal that I only had a few posts there. I think I kind of miss writing, even though I never revealed anything to identify me -- No last name, no email address.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. So simple. I should have known it before. Hard drive. Serves me right, too -- I bought it from someone who worked with me. I worked in a full service gas station. Anyone who's dishonest enough to push the ridiculously expensive engine oil and other junk is just as likely to fuck over a co-worker. In the case of this guy it's not just a figure of speech, either. He once had sex with a co-worker in a tiny storage area. During shift. In the morning.

I wish I didn't spend money on the damn CPU fan. I want to buy a whole new computer. A laptop would be great. Of course, I can't think of a reason for it except "I want a laptop, dammit". The way I see it, as long as I know that my inner 5 year old is guiding me, it's not so bad. I just hope the power supply isn't fucked up as well.

I need to replace my cell phone. Piece of Korean crap. I know I'm not being fair to the Koreans, but they sure do make some crappy things. My parents bought a Daewoo about 11 years ago, and it has only given us grief.

Now I'm being ridiculous. I should stop. Although, when I looked at my old LJ I saw that a lot of entries were written late at night, and included something along the lines of "I'm babbling / I'm not making sense, I should go to sleep". I never learn. I wish I wasn't quite so stupid.

Still unaffected. I think I'm even more down than I was before. I thought dropping out of that one class would make me feel better. Guess not.

I've been ditching classes a lot lately. I don't want to deal with anything right now, I guess.

At least I've got one assignment less to do now - I had a presentation about an article on Sunday. Personally I didn't feel like my partner and me did too well, but he said that we did ok. Right now I just need to finish some more pesky assignments and I'll be almost completely done with this year.

I need to read Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse-Five", which is a book I read and kinda liked, but now that I must read it and answer questions about it -- not so much. It's the magic of school -- it makes the most fun things annoying.

I'm being far too emo. I mean, I'm even calling it "emo" instead of just "whiny little idiot" like I should. I'm also constantly tired, but that could be explained by the lack of doing anything.

I need to do something, and studying isn't it. I need an epiphany or something. Soon.

I'm in a weird state of mind, and have been for quite a while now. I think it started around the end of the second year of the university, but I'm not really sure. When the first year was over, all I had were final exams, and I only had half the original ones, because I switched from Economics to Political Science. Second year I had papers to write. Papers that I didn't want to write. Papers that I postponed the hell out of writing. Maybe I should have looked at it as a sign, but I didn't. No use thinking about "what could have happened" -- that way only leads to depression.

I returned to work in the same gas station I worked in before I started my first year. I remember that I thought to myself "I want to go home" after less than 30 minutes on my first shift back. Since it's a crap job it's no wonder. I worked quite a lot at that job, and not enough on my papers. If I didn't have partners in them, I might not have finished the papers at all. At least one of them.

I almost didn't start third year -- this year. I thought about taking a year off. My main reason not to was "If I stop now, I probably won't return". I started it crappily. Due to the stupidity of the Communication department's secretaries, I couldn't register for classes, meaning that I had to choose between several equally bad classes. I was mostly ok with the classes, except one. That one was literally choosing the lesser evil of the remaining classes I had left. That one was a mistake. This is the thing that has kept me down the greater part of this year. This is the class that is causing me to neglect a lot of my other classes. This is the class that I'll be dropping tomorrow.

Since the semester -- as well as the academic year -- ends in 6 weeks, this might seem stupid. It is. It was stupid of me to carry on with this class, even though I hated everything about it, starting from the teacher, through the subject matter, and ending with my own research project. Who cares about different cultural readings of texts? If I was going to do a Masters in the near future, AND if I was going to do it in the general area of audiences or mediated texts, THEN it would have been good. But seeing as how I'm more inclined toward the more active brainwashing aspects of mass media, this class has no value to me, other than "it enables me to graduate this year, instead of staying at the university another year".

4 years in that place. It's 4 years, and yet it's not 4 years. Next year will be just one class, two academic hours a week for the entire year, or four academic hours for just a single semester. Factor in the driving time, going through the library, doing the research, writing, sending periodic updates, and doing whatever the hell I'll be doing in that class, and you still don't come up with more than an average of a day a week until it's finally over. The down side of 4 years is, apart from the money issue, time. I'll graduate at the age of 28. I don't know whether I'll be able to save enough money from work to go on my "Big Trip" to the US. After that I'll have to find another job, combine work and studying for a little piece of paper which states that I have graduated from "The School of the Advertising Companies". Whoop-de-doo.

I sound bitter. I think I am. I have been bitter for a long time now, and I haven't managed to move past it. Since this academic year started (October 30th, for those interested), I haven't had a strong emotion. Even my depression is hollow. It's as if I'm just a hollow shell, moving through nothing but the inertia of "I have started, I might as well finish". I keep thinking about season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Willow told Buffy that she hasn't expressed any strong human emotions. I feel the same.

That's not to say that I don't feel at all, it's just that everything remains within a small radius of the general apathy that I have. Some girl my friends tried to set me up with didn't want me - oh well; My mom is dating - meh; I have papers due - don't bother me with this.

I wonder how I'll feel after I drop out of that class. I never did that. I never said "this is too much for me". I let my inflated ego convince me that I'm better than most people, that I can handle anything that life throws my way. I was wrong. Just like knowing what you don't know is just as important as knowing what you know, so is knowing when to give up is just as important as knowing when not to.

Maybe I'll start feeling again. If I do, this blog will probably remain with only 3 posts, spread across a few days, with the ramblings on someone too old to act so emo.

You see, I just talked to my mom's date. He didn't say he was, but seeing as how it's 10pm, my mom just went out, and a strange man's voice was on the phone, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to see the link there.

The thing is, I'm not sure whether it affects me by itself, or whether it only affects me because I was conditioned by sitcoms to be bothered by it. Strange.

I might be more hungry than I am affected. And that's something I can solve easily. Off to a pre-night on the town eating. I've got a feeling Erick is going to be more affected about this than me. I need a camera phone for moments like these.

I should do a proper introduction later on.

This is something you don't really want to hear.

"Hi Guy. I went on a date today. I might go on a date tomorrow. Are you ok with this?"

I don't really mind, it's just weird. But it makes sense, seeing as how my dad is already living with his girlfriend (which is itself a difficult thing to process), and unless I really didn't get what he was saying a while back, he's also thinking of marrying her.

Dating at 51. That's strange. Does that mean I'll be getting a new mommy and daddy? (insert snarky comment here)

The "best" part about this is that my mom feels bad about the fact that she's dating and I'm not. "I've already lived. It's your turn".Mom, it's ok. Really.

Just don't tell me anything I don't need to know. Otherwise I might not be able to stay unaffected.