Strangely Unaffected

In this post I'll discuss my hypocrisy. I'm a very strong believer in the "Do as I say, don't do as I don't" school of thought. I also hate hypocritical people. Other than me, of course.

I don't think I wrote it here, but I didn't get along too well with my roommates. I'm living in the dorms with 5 other people, and except one of them (who by now has already left, since the school year has technically ended), I didn't really like. I had a LiveJournal a while ago, and in it I complained a lot about them a lot. I also complained about them to friends and family. When you do that for two full years, and when it's all about the same things, it gets old, so I simply stopped talking about it, unless something unique happened. A friend of mine asked me sometime this year if I was getting along well with the roommates, since I wasn't complaining. I told him that I'm just tired of complaining.

Anyway, another one of the roommates is leaving. Maybe. He didn't say anything. To me that's a good thing, because it means less noise and more room in the fridge. Thing is, he also packed the toaster (which I couldn't care less about), the wall clock (which is just weird, because it's not that good of a clock), and the kettle. This -- I mind. Not so much because I can't buy a kettle, but because he didn't say anything about it. Another roommate wanted to make some coffee, went to the kettle, and there was none. I wouldn't mind so much about this, but tomorrow I've got a test at 8:30, and I can't function without a cup of coffee in the morning. This is really fucking annoying.

I now found out that I've got a problem with the roommates not only when they come, but when they go. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

I've got a test on Wednesday, and I only started studying for it today (or rather yesterday, since it's already Tuesday). Naturally in situations like these, I do anything but study for the test. I eat, I read pointless things online, I hang out with friends, I try to help a good friend with her paper. Now I started something else - Looking at Graduate schools.

On first glance this seems like a good idea. "He's making plans for the future, trying to see the requirements and the subject matter." However, that's not likely. Even if we ignore for the moment that fact that I'll have another class next year to make up for the one I dropped this year, I don't want to study anymore, at least not in the forseeable future. I've had it with routines. I haven't had more than a few months' time off ever. And I do mean ever. The longest time period I had without any obligations was the summer vacation of high school, and even that was just a little under two and a half months.

It's all my friend's fault. She showed me all sorts of programs that she's interested in, including an odd British 4-year program for medicine to people who already had an undergraduate degree. I don't want to study anymore. I need my vacation, my down time. But when it comes to studying versus doing anything else? I'll take door number two, please.

Looking at all of those programs made me think whether I can get into them. I don't have all of my grades yet, and I'm a bit worried that they won't be good enough to get me to a good program if and when I do want to continue studying.

I found a really funny site, which was even somewhat related to my test. Energy Hog is a site about energy conservation. It has a kids' section with games, and and adults' section with information. Naturally I went for the games. Pretty silly games, and the sound effects were really weird. The class is called "Energy and Politics", and energy conservation is an issue that was brought up in some of the reading materials. I wanted to send a link to the teacher, but it just seemed stupider than I'm willing at this point.

I've got some more things to write that I just didn't feel like writing before. Maybe after I finish the test.

I finally understand why it's important to buy a nice vodka, from a company you heard of. Plus, cheap vodka tastes like crap. Why vodka? To drown my frustration with one of my TAs. It's bad enough that the lesson was boring as all hell, but add to the fact that he keeps us way past the end of class? Plus I completely disagreed with him about the conclusions he came up about the article.

I wanted to post before, but wasn't in the mood. Now I'm still not in the mood, but I'm a little tipsy. I like that word.

I found out something, and I don't know if it's good news or bad news. Turns out my mom isn't staying out later than me, she's sleeping over at her boyfriend's. God, I hate that expression. I don't know why I'm ok with my dad's girlfriend, but not with my mom's boyfriend. Maybe it's just a matter of time and perspective, I don't know.

Since my mom has guests now, all the junk that was in her room is now in my room. My room has become a storage unit. I don't care too much, because I'm only there during the weekend. I just talked to a good friend of mine who came back home after three years studying here in Haifa and living in a rented apartment here, and asked him how the transition back home was. He told my that he was (and still is) working a lot, so he almost doesn't have contact with his parents, and therefore no arguments.

I've got a presentation about the final paper I'm doing with two other people on Tuesday, and we haven't even started anything. One of them isn't coming to class because he's working in Tel Aviv during the day, and the other one called me sometime last week to tell me that she's home sick. I'll probably need to do it all alone. I don't mind, because this way I can do it on my own schedule (what little is left of it), and in my own way. I remember that I worked with a friend on a paper last year, and by the time we finished with it we almost killed each other.

Nighty-night...

He wanted me to ask a friend of mine to bring him Warcraft 3. I called that friend, but he gave the game to his girlfriend's sister. I told this to my brother and he was nearly shocked that women play games like Warcraft. What the fuck? Is this my brother? Are we even related? What the hell happened?

If I believed in all that Freudian crap I'd say that "it's because the boy has no father" or something to that effect. What a load of crap. This kid was never boundaries. He was never taught right from wrong. I tried, but I'm not his parent. What I said didn't have enough weight. Guess that's what happens when you have a third child 9 years after your second one, and when both parents are near their 40s.

Great. Now I'm putting blame on my parents. Maybe if I was drunk right now it wouldn't look quite as bad. But bad-mouthing my parents when I'm fully sober? Not good.

The name of the blog is becoming increasingly inaccurate. Shit annoys the hell out of me, which means that I'm not unaffected. I'm just not affected in a positive direction.

Update - My brother went to sleep at a friend's house. That way he won't be bored. I told him "take your key" and he told me that he forgot it at the house of the friend he went to today. How fucking irresponsible can you be to forget ONE FUCKING KEY?

Fuck, man. He's only 13. Ok, 13 and a half. When the fuck did this happen? I used his computer last night (mine is fucked up), and I saw that 3 or 4 files on eMule were porn. I looked at his search terms, and it was on purpose. Unless there are songs that have the word "Lesbian" in them...

But that's not what I want to write. I just got back home from a night (actually, an evening) with a good friend of mine. We went to a nice bar for their happy hour. I'm still drunk, and it's been 2 and a half hours since we finished drinking. And I was the one driving. Funny side note - we stopped somewhere to walk and talk, and when we got back to the car, the first thing we heard on the radio was a "Don't drink and drive" commercial.

Anyway, my friend has a girlfriend. Since it was really early, the waitress had no other customers, she sat and talked to us quite a bit. Anyway, there was a sort of a spark between her and my friend. I don't mind that the guy with the girlfriend "got" the girl, as much as the fact that I have no fucking idea what I'm doing wrong.

I know that I'm doing something wrong. I'm pretty sure that the girls who served in my unit think of me as some sort of a-sexual person. I was "one of the girls", and acknowledged it. It sucks. How can I fix something if I don't know how to? My friend is the closest thing I have to a "ladies' man", but I don't know that many people. Even he says that he's not a good example for me, because he doesn't know enough to help me.

I'm drunk. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm sweating like a fucking pig. I should sleep. But it's only 11:30. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my fucking time. I'm 26 and a half. I have done nothing with my life. Nothing. I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do next. There's really no use thinking about all the plans I had, because nothing that I plan comes out like it was planned. Hell, I'm lucky if it happens at all. One of my roommates told me that it's because I'm too pessimistic, and that if I accepted everything that came my way shit will work itself out. I want to be like that, but I can't. I don't know why. I think I'm too scared.

Speaking of scared, sometimes I fucking disgust myself. When I was on the train on Sunday back to the university there was a girl nearby that listened to music loud enough so that I could hear what she was listening to. I wanted to go to her and say "Hey, I overheard the songs that you listened to, and I think you've got a great taste in music." Obviously, I chickened out. How the fuck can I get anywhere if I don't ask it? If I don't push myself? How is it that I'm smart enough to know that this sort of behaviour is stupid, yet stupid enough not to act on what I know?

I think I'm repeating myself. I should go to sleep. I hate sounding so fucking emo.