Strangely Unaffected

I've got the blues (ta na na nana)
I've got the blues (ta na na nana)
I've got the "I'm-feeling-miserable-with-my-life-and-I-don't-know-what-I'm-gonna-do" blues.
Ta na na nana...

Or something... I don't remember from which show I got this. Maybe "Married with Children". Doesn't matter.

New Jewish year. Blah.

I feel like I need to get things off my chest, but I just feel so... blah. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Maybe it's because I'm not sleeping well. But that only brings up the question "why can't I sleep?", and I'm still nowhere near finding an answer for that one. So in short - blah.

I have a confession to make to all the people reading this blog. All three of you or so. I have another blog. I'm sorry, but I didn't want you to find out from someone else. This is why I've been neglecting you a bit.

Aaaaaanyway, I wrote about some TV show, and got quite a boost of readers, because who wouldn't want to read about some TV show, right? Along with comments came an intersting email (made me feel very good about creating a new Gmail account for it). I'm not sure I understand it correctly, but I've been offered to write a blog in an online version of a newspaper in Israel. That's... odd. I'm flattered, but I have no idea how to deal with this. I have encountered something that I never thought would happen to me, and I'm stumped.

I needed to get this off my chest, but I couldn't write it in that blog, now could I?

EDIT - I forgot to write that this is not a writing "job", I won't be getting paid. I'll just get read.

I have a confession to make to all the people reading this blog. All three of you or so. I have another blog. I'm sorry, but I didn't want you to find out from someone else. This is why I've been neglecting you a bit.

Aaaaaanyway, I wrote about some TV show, and got quite a boost of readers, because who wouldn't want to read about some TV show, right? Along with comments came an intersting email (made me feel very good about creating a new Gmail account for it). I'm not sure I understand it correctly, but I've been offered to write a blog in an online version of a newspaper in Israel. That's... odd. I'm flattered, but I have no idea how to deal with this. I have encountered something that I never thought would happen to me, and I'm stumped.

I needed to get this off my chest, but I couldn't write it in that blog, now could I?

From http://xkcd.com/

The only thing worse than being alone, is being alone while being surrounded by people. If you have no one around you to talk to, it's depressing. If you have people to talk to, but none of them can really understand what you're going through, that's terrible. You start to think "what good all of these people are if they can't help me when I need them the most?"

I'm in one of those moods again. I need to talk to someone. I'm going through the phonebook on my cell phone, and so far nothing. I have names there that I should just delete. I have people there from the military, and yesterday was four years since I was discharged. Some of those people I haven't seen even longer than four years. I came across the phone number in my dorm room. I almost deleted it, but just couldn't. I don't think I want to remove this link to someplace else. I liked my dorms, despite everything. It was my place. It was my sanctuary. Removing this link to something that was so good to me is a bad idea. Especially now. I need to feel safe, secure, protected. I need someone to hold me and say "it'll all be all right, you'll see." But I have nobody like that. My parents can't understand what I'm going through. Neither can my grandmothers. My two best friends haven't dealt with things like that. My other friends simply won't get it.

The number directly after the dorms room is a psychologist I went to years ago. A part of me wants to visit him again, to have a neutral party listen to me. The other part remembers that he didn't help that much back then.

"Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again"
- Simon & Garfunkel, The Sound of Silence

I was going to have a completely different title, but I'll get to that in a moment. I was at a friend's house and walked home. I heard this raspy voice calling me "hey". I immediately knew who it was - the junkie (possible ex-junkie) that spent more time in lockup than at home. He's my childhood's boogieman. He would beat his wife repeatedly, and eventually she left him. I think it was after he held her over the porch railing and threatened to throw her off, but I'm not sure. Now he's in a wheel chair and barely talks, but he still scares me. I pretended not to hear him. It wasn't too difficult because I'm really tired and have a bit of a headache.

The title for this entry was supposed to be "My keychain is so much lighter now". I left the dorms for the third (and possibly final) time today. This time I went alone in a rental car, and boy was that hard work. I think I sweat 10 pounds off or something. Of course that was only part one; part two was bringing everything inside.

I thought that I should celebrate it somehow, but I only had half a bottle of vodka so vile that I didn't even bother taking it back. It's so horrible that I can't even take a whole shot of it and have to stop mid-way, something that never happens with any other vodka, even the crappy cheap ones. Plus, taking a shot of vodka on an empty stomach and then driving 80km back home isn't a really good idea. Hey, now I know what my friend and I will toast tomorrow. Tomorrow will also be exactly four years to my discharge from the military.

I recently read the top 100 quotes in Bash.org, and I couldn't stop laughing. I'm going through the 101-200 best quotes (as voted by the people who visit the site), and they're also quite hilarious. After that I'll just browse randomly, although that has the dual disadvantages of really crappy quotes and repeat of quotes. At least it's better than work.

I think that's all I have to say at the moment.

I have so much I need to do, and time isn't on my side. I have papers to start and finish, one of which is with two other people that I was supposed to call days ago. I have to find a job. I need to clear everything out of my dorms room. I need to do some community work because of a scholarship I got. I need to go to the dentist.

I have no strength left. I feel like an insect in the path of a hurricane, like a man in front of a tsunami. I can't deal with all of this. This is too much for me. I can't think of a single thing in my life that can give me the strength to deal with all of this.

I need a release from all of this. I need something that'll help me. I need a goddamn miracle. Where's Deus Ex Machina when you need one? Where's the fucking god now? I have people around me, but I'm all alone. Nobody can help me do those things, only me. And I don't want to. I lost my will to do anything. I just want these things to go away. I don't care how. I need a time machine. I need to go back and do things right. I hate this fucking situation.

I can't talk to anyone. Nobody really understands how things are going for me. Either the people already finished the university, or they haven't started. I have no focus. I don't know what I'm going to do a month from now. Even though every single thing I ever planned went wrong on some level, I still need a plan. I need a path to follow. All this supposed freedom is making me go around in circles. In order to do A I need for B to stop affecting me; in order to do B I need C to stop affecting me; in order to do C, I need for A to stop affecting me. Only I've got from A to G, and that's assuming you count all papers as one thing.

I've come a complete fucking circle. I am overwhelmed and can't feel a goddamn thing. Isn't that fucking great?

The thing is, you can never tell if the spam amount has increased. It's not as if you're keeping a tab on it; you don't leave it in your inbox in case you'll need to do some statistics on it; you just delete it (or tag it as spam if you're using hotmail) and forget about it. Yet you keep on wondering.

I think I've been getting more spam lately. Maybe it's because I had an argument with some stupid girl in one of my classes that kept forwarding all sorts of crap, ranging from all sorts of Red Bull endorsed activites (she's working for them), through the general hoax emails, and to stupid things about the university that I couldn't care less about. Letting out steam on that stupid little girl (mentally, not so much physically. I'm guessing she's 22-23) felt really good, and helped relieve some of the stress I was having. But almost immediately after my last email I got two spam messages at once. And the spam keeps on coming.

The most ironic thing is that I wanted to do that to her, but I don't know how. Signing her up to mailing list isn't going to work, because they've got an opt-in system - you have to confirm that you want to sign up. Maybe I'll contact some spammer. The problem is that then he'll have my email address, and that's something that I'm just not willing to do.